Still

Happy birthday, Mom. Do you still say that to someone who's passed on? I guess its more for me than you, but still...Happy Birthday. I think about you all the time. It's never any one thing that triggers a memory, its just a kaleidoscope of images and impressions, a glimpse of you that I wish I could hold onto. My memories have faded over the years, but my love for you has not. I have learned to live without you, but I am always aware that you're not here, too, if that makes any sense. I see you in my children and my Niece. You would love them! I think I hate that the most...that you never got to see my beautiful children. Such is life, I suppose. It doesn't hurt like it used to, but it will always be a wound that never quite heals completely.

You would be so proud of us, Mom. Despite the odds, we have stuck together, loyal to the core.We are good people; resilient; strong. We have weathered the loss and come out stronger for it, but I know we all grieve you in our own ways. For me, it was at age 32...the same age you were when you died. I struggled that year more than any other. I guess I didn't realize how young you were until I experienced it for myself. You were so loved, did you know that? The only thing I remember about your funeral service was how devastated everyone looked. I could tell by the pain etched into their faces that we were not alone in our grief. I remember thinking even then, "Did she know? Did she ever realize how much everyone loved her?" I hope so..if not in this life, than perhaps in the next.

Time marches on and a lifetime has been lived since you left us.There is still so far to go and I hope that you are cheering us on,waiting for the day when we will all be together again. I know you are with your loved ones and that you have finally found peace. I'm happy for you in that. Still...I wish you were here sometimes. There is so much I want to talk to you about, questions that will forever be unanswered. I wish things had been different, Mom. I wish I could hug you one last time. I know it's not possible, but still...I wish.

I love you so much. That has been the one constant throughout my life.We have never forgotten you, nor will we. I would love to have something more eloquent to say, but words escape me. There is just this space...this feeling of longing mixed with sadness and love, tears and resignation. You are forever a part of all of us and I can not wait to be reunited with you in Heaven. Someday.

Until then, know you are loved. You are always with me. Still.