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  • Tracy

If This Is a Test, Then I Am Failing It Miserably

Updated: Jan 25, 2020

Last night I acted like a total ass.

The worst part is, the proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back is inconsequential in the big scheme of things. In fact, if I am being honest, the reason I lost my shit is juvenile and completely out of character for me. That, unfortunately, did not stop me. I am embarrassed to admit this, but my meltdown was caused by a boat; a boat purchased by someone who has gone out of her way to make my life difficult; a person who delights in hurting the man I love most; a person who is really, really deserving of a good old-fashioned ass whooping. Every decision this person makes revolves around her own self-absorbed ego. The list of her bad behaviors is as long as my arm, but how does the Universe reward her? With a big, shiny boat…something I have always wanted. And for some reason, at that particular moment, the realization that she has a boat and I do not, sent me right over the edge.

I was so furious! The following is an almost exact account of my subsequent conversation with God:

“Are you freaking kidding me? How is that fair? I work hard every day of my life! I am a nice person; I treat others with kindness and respect. I volunteer, go the extra mile, and put myself on the line for others on a regular basis! So, where is my boat? How in the world does that narcissistic asshole get a boat and I don’t? Is that the way it works? Only the ruthless and self-absorbed win? Are all my efforts at being a decent human being just wasted energy? I am so tired of struggling. You know this! How could you give her a boat? (Insert elevated heart rate, furious writing and tear-streaked face here. Not my finest moment).

On top of it, when the love of my life asked me if he had done something to upset me, I unloaded on him, as well. No good came from it, either. I only succeeded in making him feel like crap about a situation that he is trying his best to resolve. The worst part is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for! I know I have been given blessings that I absolutely do not deserve. I know – beyond any doubt – that God has made a way out of no way more times than I could possibly count. I know this. There was something about that boat, though, that just felt so personal. It felt like everything I am trying to accomplish is just a huge waste of time and I should just stop. Stop all the dreaming, praying, striving, and hoping and just throw in the towel. I cried myself to sleep over someone who would delight in my tears (that really irritates me) and wasted approximately 13 billion brain cells on a boat.

This morning, my conversation with God was much more subdued. I did less talking and more listening. I apologized for being an ungrateful wretch (and the swearing). I confessed that I really hate her and her stupid boat. I came to the realization that it’s not really about the boat in the first place; it’s about my fear of never seeing my dreams come to fruition. I confessed that my heart is hardened toward this person and I just want all of her nonsense to stop. It’s been two years…I just want to be done with it. I explained that I do not understand this at all and that it feels like good people never win. Much like a two year-old after a major temper tantrum, I am exhausted, sweaty and tired; worn out from the inside out. I am ashamed of the way I acted and that I let something so silly push my buttons the way it did. It is still there, though, like a fresh bruise that you notice every time something brushes against it. It’s still raw and deep, even though I’m doing my best to ignore it.

The thing is, I know I am better than this. I have seen mean people “win” in the past. We all have. You would think I would be used to the idea by now, but obviously, I am not. There are times in life when good things happen to bad people and that’s just the way it is. I look at my life and I see so much good. A man who loves me more than anyone has before. Children who are my best friends. A best buddy who would do anything for me. I drive a nice car, live in a safe neighborhood and have plenty of food. I have been provided for in big and little ways, especially during the times I least deserved it. No one has to tell me I acted like an ass last night; I am well aware, believe me.

Now I have to decide if I am going to get up. I have to admit that if I am truly better than this, I need to stop my pouting and fit throwing, and get on with being the badass I was created to be. I have to turn my eyes away from that stupid boat and the person who owns it and focus on all that I do have. I have to acknowledge that this world is seldom “fair” and what God is doing in someone else’s life isn’t any of my business, anyway. In short, I need to get over myself. I don’t know why, but today that task feels huge. It shouldn’t, but it does. If this is a test, than I am failing miserably. I am not proud of that, but at least I am transparent in my weakness (if that counts for anything). In the big scheme of things, I know that boat does not matter…at all.

I am doing my best to remember that.

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